


CLIPPED WINGS; 



OR, 



BIRDS OF PASSAGE. 



A COMIC CONCOCTION 

IN 

THREE ACTS. 

BY 
FENNIMORE ^HARRISON. 



NEW ORLEANS 

1882. 



CLIPPED WINGS; 



OR, 



BIRDS OF PASSAGE. 



A COMIC CONCOCTION 

IN 

THREE ACTS. 

BY 
FENNIMORE H 






NEW OBLEANS 

1882. 




,H 3S 



COPYRIGHTED, 1882, 

BY 

FENN1MORE HARRISON. 



TMPSfc-OOo^ 10 



CLIPPED WINGS; 



UH. 



BIRDS OF PASSAGE. 



A COMIC CONCOCTION IN THREE ACTS. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

WILLIAM WARSAW A Dispenser of "Infallible Remedies.' 

CAPTAIN JEN KINS... His Friend— Editor of the Stock and Trade 

Journal, LouisviUe. 

COUSIN LUCY, ) „.,.„„ 

V Benighted Iravellers. 

COUSIN FRED, J 

SANDY Owner of the " Little York " Inn. 

GRACE ...His Daughter. 

HEZEKIEL KENT - The Circuit Rider- 

PHIL SLY, 



Vagabonds from Colorado. 
BILLY SHARP, 

ALECK CLIDE ... The Constable, 

Sheriff, Posse, Villagers, Fair People, Strangers, Etc. 



SCENE— The Hall of Sandy's Inn. near Fairville, Kij.—on the Ohio 

Time: Fair Week. 

In the middle of the hall is the supper table half set ; on a 



I 

counter is the register lying r pen, and near it is a box of cigars. 
Ln one corner is a strong iron chest, used by the innkeeper as a 
safe for articles of value. • 

Enter Sandy and Kent, talking. 

San:!}/. Ha! ha! ha! that was a piece of rascality. Of course. 
Parson, you saw the robber? 

Kent. No, Sandy, I did not. The room was dark, and tiie 
moment I discovered him hunting for the money, I gave the 
alarm, and he tied from the house. 

Sandy. Curse the scoundrel!— And so you wish me to take 
charge of this money of yours for a day or two— until you re 
turn from your trip in the country ? 

Kent. 1 do ; 1*11 have you take charge of it to-night, if you 
have no objection — 

Sandy. Oh. none in the world ! I'll call my daughter at once. 
{raps the floor and calls) My daughter !— She hears m , I believe. 
—Now, Parson. I'll record the amount in this a -count book of 3 
mine — so read out. (takes the hook from his pocicet) 

Kent. It is eight thousand dollars in bills, wrapped up in this 
yellow cloth. The fact is, it's the money my brother left me in 
his will, aud which I received only yesterday — 

Sandy {writing). Very well, I have it. puts the hook into his 
pockety Egad, where's Grace '? (raps the floor and calls) Mj 
♦laughter ! 

Enter Grace, quickly. 

Grace. Here, father ! Why you make the whole house echo ' 

with noise ! ' 

t 
Sandy. To be sure T do, when I can't find you !— Let me have 

the key of the chest, child. (Grace gives the key, and then attends * 

to the table briskly) Now, Parson, we'll lock it up. 



5 

Kent (locking the chest and retaining the key, unaivares). Ah, 
tbat will do ! it's safe there ! 

Sandy. And the thief that tried to rob you last night may 
come again if he likes, (the door opens, and Captain Jenkins 
appears at the threshold with a valise and an umbrella) 

Kent And leave as he came— empty-handed. 

Jenk (at the threshold). Pst! pst! my good man, can you tell 
me where I am ? 

Sandy. At Sandy's inn, the "Little York." 

Jenk. Myreg.rds! 

Sandy. Tbe same, sir. 

Jenk. I am Captain Jenkins ! — (a pause) — from Louisville, sir ! 

Grace. Oh h, dear! 

Sandy. Walk iu, Captain. 

Jenk. Will you oblige me with your register ! 

Sandy. I will, Captain, (they go to the counter) 

Jenk {registering; aloud). "Captain Jenkins, Stock aud Trade 
Journal, Louisville." 

Sandy. Stock and Trade, eh ? —Then you've come to attend 
tlie big cattle fair we are holding here now ? 

Jenk. I reckon I have. — My friend, be kind enough to take 
charge of this carpetbag for me, will you ? — don't let the rats get 
after it j 

Sandy. The rats ? How's that ? 

Jenk. There's a piece of cheese on the inside of it, sir. 

Sandy. A piece of cheese ? Why don't you take it out ? 

Jenk. I don't want to open the valise, sir. My grocer — con- 
found him— had the assurance to put into my carpetbag a lump 
of Limberger iustead of Switzer, for my lunch, and the passen- 
gers on the train avoid-; d me along the whole route! 

Sandy. I'll hang it up on this hook. 

Jenk Do so; (looking around) a splendid inn you have here! 

By the way, innkeeper, have you anything of a really tine qual- 
ity here?— anything you cau recommend yourself ?- You catch 
my meaning, of eourse? 



I 

Sa n dy. I think so, Captai 1 1 . 

Jenk. Bring me a bottle of it, will you, and a glass ? 

Sandy. Certainly ! (brings a bottle) "Now here's a bottle con- 
tainm' liquor made forty years ago. I consider I wouldn't take 
a fortune for it. It is something' extra, you see. (stares at Jen- 
kins as he •■pours it out) 

JmJc. I hope so. ( pours out slowly) Yes, I'm — er — I'm — the - 

er — big— gest — cat Sir, will you oblige me by turning y.mr 

back for a minute ? — big— gest cattle buyer and journalist in 
Louisville! (Jills to the brim) 

Grace. Oh h h !- Tra la la, tra la la ! 

Kent. They tell me, Captain, it's tolerable strong. 

Jenk. Tolerable strong? — Oh, no! oh, no! I rever go 
too far! make a note of it ! (drinks) Here is the bottle, inn- 
keeper. Very choice ! very choice ! Put it on my bill. 

Sandy (aside): Til do it! (here the door is thrown open with 

violence) 

Enter Phil Sly. 

Hit/. Help here ! help ! Boswell's barn's afire ! 
J.// Fire! {they run to the door) 

Sandy. Bring those buckets, daughter ! Hurry! (exit Grace) 
Sly. No time to wait, my friend ! They want you ! Come on ! 
{exit) 
Jenk. Why, the fellow is right, con found it, he is ! [Grace 

returns) 

Sandy. Boswell's barn, to be sure! {Sandy removes his coat 
and hangs it on the wall) Now, follow me, every one! (exeunt 
omnes, with the buckets) 

Enter Sharp, with a carpetbag 

(He mores about the room stealthily, and examines objects with 
care. Sees the chest.) 

Sharp. Ha! that money's here! (rcildly) Locked ! no key? 
ha! this coat! (goes into the pockets of Sandy's coat, and finds the 
account book: opens it) u |8000 of H. Kent's in the chest— yellow 
cloth." And we all but had it last night! We must have it. 
(attempts, to open the chpst. but fails) Phil!— why don't become? 



7 

Re-enter Sly. 

Sly. Come! out with that bag of money! I worked up this 
case. 

Sharp. Help yourself! it's in there, (points at the chest.) 

Sly. What ! not a doller? (goes behind the counter and taps the 
till.) • 

Sharp. Let me have half o' that, will you ? — Yes, but you 
must! I'll turn State's evidence, if you don't ! 

Sly. You set the barn afire ! 

Sharp. So'd you ! what'd yon do it fjr ? 

Sly. That's my bisuess ! 'Taint the first you've set afire, my 
friend, hear me? — Here, here's half the money. Now open that 
chest ! (they begin the attempt; presently the stage driver blows his 
horn) 

Sharp. Ha ! it's the stage ! (instantly seizes his carpetbag and 
disappears through a small window) 

Sly. Devil! (goes behind the counter, but presently rises and 
pulls off his coat) Odds the devil! I'll try the tavern bisness ! 
(puts on Sandy's coat and hat on the wall) Now I'm ready ! 

Enter Lucy and Fred, with Carpetbags. 

Lucy. Oh, what a cosy iuu, isn't it, cousin Fred ? 

Fred. Quite respectable, and here's the owner of it, too. 

Sly (with an elaborate bow). Welcome, my friends, welcome ! 
I hope to suit you. 

Lucy (aside). Dear me, what a queer landlord ! 

Fred Now, sir, where is your directory ? — I mean your regis- 
ter— (they go to the counter) 

Lucy. I do thiuk it is provoking to be detained this way ! 
Ever since we left uncle's "Belle Vue Place,'' that miserable 
stage has been creeping along and breaking down the whole 
way. And now we've missed the train, and will not get home 
to Louisville ha f so soon as we thought. 

Fred. There you are Is it all right? It's ouly for one night, 
you know : we take the train for Louisville in the morning. 



8 

Sly. There'll be no trouble about that, but there's one little 
item we haven't spoke about yet. 

Fred, What's that ? 

Sly. Terms alius in advance ! It's the regerlation here f< r 
people stay in' one night — (extending his hand) — Five dollers 
apiece, please ! % 

Lucy. Merciful heavens ! it is exorbitant ! 

Fred, By Cato ! I won't stand it ! you can't fool me, man ! 

Sly (with a shrug J. Well, the terms is first-class here — You 
must understand this hotel is bang- up with the times ! 

Fred, Bang up thunder ! You can't gull me! No, sir! 

What ought I to do, cousin Lucy ? 

Lucy. Oh, well then, let's pay it ! (Fred pays, muttering some- 
thing about "swindle?) 

Sly. Thanks — many thanks, (getting near the door) Now, 
my friends, just make yourselves at home — 

Fred. What, you are not going to leave us this way, are you ? 

Lucy. Indeed, sir, you must not ! 

Sly. I hate to do it, but you see — well— er — old man Boswell's 
barn's afire! 

Lucy and Fred Fire ! (here Fred carelessly leaves liis purse on 
the counter) 

Lucy. Oh, Fred, here is amusement in abundance ! Just think 
of it ! Come on, we will follow him ! 

jured (pleased). Well, it does come in nicely after that tedious 
ride, so lead the way, sir ! (exeunt) 

Ee-enter Sharp, with Carpetbag. 

Sharp. Now's my chance to get ahead of Phil Sly — Ha! these 
gripsacks, (seises Lucy's valise, which he tries to open, but finally 
cuts out one side with a knife) What's this? (takes out a night robe) 
Too long! — Ha! cut iu two, though, it'll make two shirts. (Puts 
it into his carpetbag) Good! — What's this— a book? (reads the 
title) Prayer — Book ! (tosses the valise aside and takes Jenkins's 



J) 

Cuts out one side) Humph! must have been hangin' up there 
sometime, (cuts out the other side) A pack o' cards — good ! (a 
sudden noise alarms him and he runs to the door) False alarm^ 
Billy, (takes Fred's) Oh, I'm a reg'lar ripsaw ! — a pair of shoes 
(measures the size by his own and shakes his head)— bunch o' let- 
ters — mooushine whiskey — good ! (puts the flask into his pocket) 
Ee-enter Sly, suddenly, with an axe. 

Sly. Come, show your hand ! what'd you get ? 

Sharp. A pack o' cards, a hymn-book and whiskey !— that's a 
lay-out, ain't it ? 

Sly (trying to secure the purse on the counter without being seen) 
It's the devil's outfit, sure's you're born ! 

Sharp (seeing him). Oh, no ! you can't do that! — Pull out that 
purse! you've got it! 

Sly. What purse? 

Sharp. Hand over half o' that purse, I say, or I'll turn State's 
evidence! — Take your choice! 

Sly. Well, wasn't I a-goin' to give you half, say ? 

Sharp. You didn't look like it. 

Sly. Here, here's half— keep the purse, too. 

Sharp. The purse? — oh, I'll put that in my gripsack — it'll do 
for a terbaccer bag. (does so.) 

Sly (gruffly). Come on now! we'll break that chest open. 

Sharp. An axe ! ha-a-a ! where'd you get it ? 

Sly. At the stable. —Move away, will you ? 

Sharp. Let it drive! Break the lock, man! — Ha a-a ! (as the 
lock is struck off] both men struggle to get possession of the chest.) 

Sly. Back ! will yon ? (tries the lid) Ha ! there's a spring loc v! 

Sharp (seizing the axe). Look out there ! (strikes at the lid; in 
a moment more they hear some one calling loudly outside, and this 
is followed by a rapping at the door. It is Warsaw just arrived in 
his buggy. Sharp instantly disappears, with his carpetbag, through 
the window) 

Sly (irresolute^. Devil! what's here?— we'll never get the 
money ! (runs behind the counter) 



io 

Enter Warsaw, somewhat irritated at the delay —carries two 
carpetbags and a fiddle. 

War See here, innkeeper, are you going to keep ine out here 
all night with these carpetbags ? I've stood at that door until 
I'm color-blind ! {Sly creeps through the door) The landlord's out, 
ot course! {raps the floor loudly) If lie's asleep, that noise will 
rouse a dormant alligator! {sits down) 

Ue enter Sly, pretending to be the innkeeper. 

Sly {affecting surprise). Oh! you— er— been — been waitiir 
here for me ? 

War. -So it seems. What is the matter ar< uud here, anyhow? 

Sly. Come on and I'll show you {takes him by the arm) There's 
biggest fir»*. you ever saw — 

War {rising quickly). Ah ! a fire? Oh, well, never mind about 
that : I'll remain here {sits down again). 

Sly {aside). The devil! he'd spoil the work! 

War. Let me have your name, will you ? 

Sly. My name ? Oh-h— Sandy ! 

War. Ever been in Colorado? {Sly starts) 

Sly. Me? — oh, no ! lived here twenty years. 

War. Your face bears a very striking resetnblmce to that of 
an old fellow I used to see out there occasionally — an inveterate 
old scoundrel he was, too ! 

Sly. H:i! ha! ha!— haa-a! 

War. VV hat ails you now ? 

Sly. The ideer of nu old landlord like me beiif took for :hat \ 
ha! ha! — ELive a oig.tr, Strang v ? {tht b>v ox tfie counter) 

War. Certainly I will ! and £ may add, I will try some of this 
wine also, if you have no objectiou. {sits down at tabic) 

Sly. Objectiou ? Oh, no ! none o' that in me. I'm not one 
o' your stingy red-headed tavern-keepe s ! — I'm goin' to join you 
myself {sits down at table in a sociable fashion) 

War. A very neat spread out, innkeeper, very neat, {lights 
the cigar) Fugh ! cant compliment your cigars ! What do they 
cost a million ? 



11 

Sly {eating voraciously). Them's smuggled. I'll give yo;i a 
ham! ful if you like 'em. 

War. No more lor me ! One's all I care for at a siusle sittiug . 
— But to come to business : Happening to be driving by just 
now in my buggy, it occurred to me to stop here for a night — 
perhaps for a week— it depends on circumstances. What about 
the health of this place ? 

Sly. Well, toler'ble so so. 

War (rising). Tolerable so so, is it ? Then I'll drive on to the 
next town. I don't waut a healthy place, mark me ! 

Sly. What's that?— Wait, what is your pertickler line ? 

War. My particular line?— My rriend, I am the authorized 
agent for the sale of Dr. Fleetwood's beneficent remedies— mark 
me, beneficent— Fleetwood's "Anti- Dandruff or Bald Man's 
Hope," the greatest hair-producer and dandruff eradicator ever 
discovered, supplemented by Fleetwood's "Nasal Catarrh Spe- 
cific," infallible tor catarrh, coughs, col 's, or incipient consump- 
tion, risk no other ! 

Sly. Oho ! you're a doctor then ?— Well, to come to the point, 
I think there is a good openin' for that sort o' bisuess around 
here; that is, just now. It'> fair time here, you see. 

War. So I understand, and thousands of people in town, too, 
no doubt. 

Sly. Thousands of 'em, and so it's my opinyun — now I give 
this from what I've seen— it's my opinyun, you can do a rousin' 
big bisness in a week's time ! 

War. Aha! I'll try the experiment, my friend. Put me down 
for a week's board, and no mistake ! (they go to the counter; War- 
saw registers) So that settles it, eh ? 

Sly. It settles the question— yes, sir, settles it, ban in' one 
little item. 

War. Eh ? 

Sly. Terms alius in. advance! It's the rule here at fair time, 
and so we'll close the bargain on ten dollars. 

War. Oh, strictly cash, is it ? Very well, write me out a 



1-2 

receipt there. (Sly writes it and delivers to War.) Signed 
"Sandy.'' That's right, (takes out a roll of bills, extends a ten- 
dollar bill, and as Sly puts out his hand to take it, Warsaiv sud- 
denly withdraws it, and eyes the tramp suspiciously) Well, sir ! I 
persist, my friend, you are the crudest looking specimen I've 
beh..ld in many a day! (Sly removes his hat to scratch his head) 
Baldheaded, too !— bald as an orchestra ." 

Sly. 1'se alius been so, stranger, alius. 

War. Always? 
Sly. Alius — born so! 

War. Ha ! a wise old head you've got, to be sure ! Let me 
examine that nob of yours, will you f (does so)— (aside) Aha! he 
needs it now. — Hold your head there a minute, old man, hold 
your head! (fakes from his valise a bottle of " Anti-Dandruff. , '') 

Sly (aside). Gieat devils ! what's he up to ? 

War (exhibiting the bottle) The only hope for bald heads ! 
With your permission, I shall rub some of this infallible r intment 
into your head to-night by way of experiment, and watch the 
results. 

Sly. What !— But— er— 

War. Warranted to make that bald nob of yours bristle like 
acocklebur! (removes the cork) Now, old man, I'm ready— hand 
me your head.— I repeat, hand me your head. 

Sly (leaning over the counter J. Let me look at the bottle a 
minnit, will you ? [examines it) 

War. Observe the baldheaded man in the picture there ; he's 
a young man and feels awkward. His hat's just blown off in 
the presence ot six young ladies.— Now turn the bottle a:ound , 
there's the same young man with a full suit of hair, standing 
under a window, serenading Dr. Fleetwood in his laboratory, ?G 
Maiden Lane ! — What do you think of it? 

Sly. Well, I'll take two of the bottles, and if it's got the abil- 
ity to start my hair to sproutin'? — 

War. Oh, it'll do it ! it'll do it ! But don't procrastinate ; 
make an early application to that glistening surface. 



13 

Sly. It's a bargain then. What's the cost? (puts the bottle 
on the coiinter) 

War. Fifty cents apiece, two for a dollar. 

Sly (repeating J. Two for a doller— doller? — dol— ? By the way, 
my Iriend, you've got to settle up your board bill yet ! No get- 
tin' out o' that ! (extending his hand) Ten dollers, if you. please ! 

War. Board-bill ?— Oh, the devil ! don't annoy me that way ! 
I ve changed my notions about it. 

Sly. But don't you owe the money, say ? 
« War My friend, quietly drop the subject, ii's disagreeable to 
me! 

Sly. Ha !— S 

War. Besides, I've -concluded to wait awhile, and not pay a 
bill I haven't contracted. It's only a business way of mine. 

Sly. I repeats, terms alius in advance! 

War. Sorry to disappoint you, but it can't be avoided to- 
night, (loud laughing heard outside) 

Sly (quickly reaching the window). You know what you are, 
e'l ? You're fhe biggest rascal in fown ! (shakes his Jist) Oh, I'll 
get even with you, young man ! (disappears through the window) 

War. Wha* ! (the door opens) Ha ! there's something the mat- 
ter here. 
Re-enter Lucy, Grace, and Fred somewhat excited ivith wine. 

Fred (walking up to Warsaw). Here he is— (to Grace)— Oh, 
no, he isn't ihe one ! 

War (aside). What does that young man mean ? (sees Lucy) 
All! Miss Lucy, I am very happy to meet you again! 

Lucy. Mr. Warsaw ! 

War. You are quite surprised. 

Lucy. Quite so ! -But what brings you to Fairville ? 

War. A great many tilings; but I think the fair chiefly at- 
tracted me. And so you are registered here, also? 

Lucy. Oil, 3'es, I am detained here till the morning. 

War. A very cosy inn we have, but a most detestable inn- 
keeper ! 



14 

Grace. Sir! (looks daggers) 

War. Pardon me, lady — 

Fred (taking her part)* What did you say, sir ? What did you 
say? 

War. What do you mean, sir ? 

Fred. I say, what did you say, sir ? 

War. Tut, don't interrupt me, my lad ! 

Fred. Lad!— Who's a lad ? Who? 

War. Sh ! be quiet, will you ? You make too much noise. 

Fred. What ! You can't suppress me ! No, sir ! — What ought 
I to do, cousin Lucj' ? 

Lucy. Eeally, my dear cousiu, you are quite ridiculous to- 
night! Be more composed. I fear you drank too much cham- 
pagne at the fire. 

War (aside). Champagne aud fire ! — There's a dead loss for 
me. 

Fred. Too much? Why the old gentleman gave Grace and 
myself (hie) one bottle— that's all — for putting out ihe fire — 
Where is my valise? — Ahf this will do. (takes up the bottle of 
u Anti-Dandruff''' on the counter and a glass) 

Grace. Yes, ouly one, Miss Lucy, and it's very chilly to night! 

War (observing ± red) Stop, my friend, don't drink that. Put 
that bottle down '. 

Fred. Well ! how clever you are ! You really amuse me. 

War. Glad to hear it. 

Fred. Have you got any objection to my enjoying myself? 

War. No, not the slightest — go ahead — drink the whole bot- 
tle — it's medicine — 

Fred (astonished). Medicine !— Tut, I don't want this ; I have 
something of my own ! AVhere is my valise ? (takes it) Ha ! 
what fiend — Hades ! — look here, cousin Lucy ! 

Lucy. Oh, dear ! where is mine ? 

Grace. Why, certainly very strange! I wish father would 
return. 

Lucy. Oh, horror! what does this mean ? 



15 

War. Thieves, I'll warrant. 

Fred. My flask —ha! everything upset! 

Lucy. What in the world has become of my— my — my — 

War. What, Miss Lucy, what ? 

Lucy. My — my — oh-h-h ! (nightrobe) 

War (aside). Innocent, but charming ! (the door opens) Ha ! 
Captain Jenkins, as I live ! 

Re-enter Sandy, assisting Jenkins, who has "gone too far.'''' 

Jenk (simulating perfect sobriety). Who spoke? (hie) Confound 
it! I heard my name.— Ha! you Warsaw, old fellow, (hie) you 
don't observe anything peculiar about me, do you? 

War. Why, nothing, Captain, nothing whatever, except you 
are remarkably sober. 

Jenk. I am. This surprise, old fellow, enables me— confound 
it ! — to pledge with you ! (pours a little in Warsaw's glass and Jills 
his own) 

War. Whee ugh! — intensely warm ! 

Jenk (eyeing him). Oh, no ! oh, no ! I never go too far ! Make 
a note of it ! (they drink) 

Lucy (to Grace). Accommodations ? Indeed ! we have already 
arranged with the landlord. 

Sandy. What landlord, Miss? 

Fred. Yes, we secured our rooms at once, and I advise you 
to be quick about getting yours ! 

Sandy. Beg your pardon, friends, but you are laborin' under 
a mistake. 

Lucy. Indeed ! how presumptious, Fr.d ! 

Fred. Eidiculous ! what do you all know about it, anyhow ? 

Sandy. I am the owner of the inn, strangers ! 

War. Ha ! — Are there any more ? 

Fred. Great snakes! Who is the other owner then ? 

Lucy. Mercy on us ! Here — look— see - Wh it does all this 
mean 1 (shows the valises) 

Sandy. What! — My daughter — Grace come u ere ! — No — (goes 
to the till) 



1G 

Grace. I don't know anything about it, father. 

Sanely. Thieves ! thieves ! 

All. Thieves ! (Sandy glances around the room and singles out 
Warsaw. He taps him upon the shoulder) 

War. Well, sir, what'll you have ? 

Sandy. How'd you come here ? 

War. I came in a buggy. 

Sandy. Now, see here, we want to know something about :his 
money that's missin'. 

War. You do? — Well, as^ the man who gave me tins receipt 
— a fellow wearing a neat black coat and a brand new felt hat. 

Sandy (looking for the hat and coat on the wall). Ha ! is that 
so? 

Lucy. Oh, yes. sir, I remember him well, (to Sandy) This 
gentleman is surely not to blame. 

Sandy. Aha ! that's it? We've been robbed by a rascal of a 
tramp ! - Aha-a ! 

Lucy. The mean fellow ! 

Fred. Well, sir ! it's extraordinary that he shoutd have gulled 
me! 

Jenlc. Amazing audacity ! 

War (seizing his caipctbags). See here, innkeepe , Tin going to 
retiief.om the scenes. You'll find my horse ami buggy out in 
the yard ; give him plenty ot corn. Now point me to my room. 
1 have had enough lunacy to night; I have enjoyed your private 
asylum very much, and so has Jenkins — 

Jenlc. I have, sir ! No more for me ! 

Fred (Jrantically) By Cato ! the purse! the purse! I'm robbed ! 
Somebody has picked my pockets ! Oh-h ! 

Sandy. Ha! impossible! Jjucy screams, and fainting away, is 
supported by Warsaw, while Sandy makes to the chest.) 

'Curtain J 



17 
ACT II. 

SCENE I :— The Fair Grounds. On a tree is the following notice : 

NOTICE!! 
#200 Revva.d for the arrest of the Incendiary, or Incendiaries, who 
destroyed my barn on the night of September 20th. 

DAVID BOS WELL, lwner. 

Enter Warsaw in his buggy, followed by a motley crowd of vil- 
lagers, negroes and Fair people with baskets. Toward the close 
of the speech, Sharp appears with his carpetbag, and engages in 
a side talk with Aleck Glide, who happens to be present. 
War (rising). Here we are, my friends, and no mistake about 
it. I'm a-going to make your hair stand up and your eyes pop 
out in a few minutes ; I'm a-going' to work a few miracles around 
here just for amusement. But before I do so, I want to say that 
this is the finest country I've ever visited, and certainly the 
best looking crowd I've ever gazed upon. And that's not half. 
Look at the flourishing condition of this district, look at it! 
And what's the cause of it all? Why, it's all owing + o the qual- 
ity of the people that live here, the thriftiest on the face of the 
globe ! And I may add likewise that I'm greatly interested in 
the political welfare of this country ; for I cannot but believe 
that the Independent candidate for Congress from this district 
is an insufferable rascal (applause) —thanks — a scamp totally 
unfit to be seen in the great drawing-room of Uncle Sam at the 
capital of this country ! 

Rascality is broadcast, of course — from Patagonia to the Navy 
Department. But mark me, friends, I make exceptions. On 
reflection, there is an honest man here aud there, at irregular 
intervals, and I'm a-going to stud right here and proclaim to 
the world, firmly but modestly, that skill, perseverance and hon- 
esty have enabled me for one to bring before the public of Fair- 
ville the most dazzling discovery of the nineteenth century — 
Fleetwood's celebrated "Anti Dandruff, or Bald Man's Hope,'' 



the greatest hair-producer and dandruff eradicate* ever dis- 
covered ! Risk uo other ! 

Yes, my colored friend right over there, it will take the kinks* 
out of your woolly head and make your hair as straight as broom 
straw ! 

First Wegro. What's dat, boss? Lord massy, man, gimme er 
bottle! {exit negro with a bottle) 

War. Fifty cents each, two for a dollar. Go home and be 
happy. The gentleman right over here takes another! Don't 
be afraid but come forward. Any baldheads in this crowd, just 
hand 'em over this way — warranted to make a bald head bristle 
lik<> a cocklebur. One minute,sir. Yes, sir, it'll suit yon so well, my 
friend, you won't live without it. Try it, and you'll be the happiest 
man among your horses, goats and hogs that ever lived here! 
Hogs did I say ? Hogs it was, and if I can't illuminate your cra- 
ni urns on the subject of that animal, I'll retract e. ery thing I've 
said So wal c close and listen, for I'm going to begin right off. 
Twas the beautiful country a.ound Little Rock, my friends, 
where the g astly tragedy happened The whole place was just 
alive with those brush-wood batteries called wasp-nests, and 
't wasn't long before I discovered one hanging to a sprig of a 
blackberry bush— don't forget that — six or seven bushes were 
grouped around it, and suddenly I perceived a oig lurking about 
there earning his living, whose inquisitive faculties had been 
hugely developed. Presently he drifted over toward the black- 
berries, and began to poke, his way through the bushes on his 
tour of investigation. He went about it like a Committee of 
Congress after fraud, and in a moment more drew up before the 
wasp. nest and sniffed the air. He eyed the battery and grunted. 
1 looked— aha! I saw. him open his mouth to take in the tempt- 
ing bait. He fork it in: he also took in the situation. And 



*At the close of the war, a mountebank from the North bottled 
water from the Mississippi, and sold it to the negroes in Arkansas 
under the above guarantee. As this incident is oommon property, I 
have incorporated it here, for the sake of illustrating some types of 
the character. 



19 

then he left the place, I observed, with six wasps clinging to the 
end of his snout, besides two that had gone up his nostrils, 
which they had mistaken for a dirt-dauber's nest. He had eight. 
And now he began to disappear, and I may add, flung dim dis- 
tance behind him — 'Twas no use, however, for although the pig 
passed the ten-mile post under a full head of steam, it was evi- 
dent that those two wasps were still snugly at work up his nos- 
trils. He was travelling at a fearful velocity, for it was observed 
that k?8 shadow did not keep pace with him, but was at least 
half a league to the aft of him. On he fled, and as he hove in 
sight of the forty-mile post, he was still travelling at the ordi- 
nary velocity of a society scandal. And then he stopped sud- 
denly— a stream of water was across his path — a moment's re- 
flection, however — in he plunged, and as he pulled out on the 
opposite bank, it was evident he showed signs of wear aud tear. 
A kindly farmer who was at work on that side, took the pig in 
charge, and having ascertained the matter, filled his nostrds 
with gunpowder, and blew out the lemnants of the wasps. Even 
after this treatment, the ungrateful pig was not happy, for he 
grew sedate, declined in health, and died subsequently of Nasal 
Catarrh, tint insidious enemy of the human race, for which, by 
the way, Dr. Fleetwood has discovered an infallible remedy — 
mark me, infallible — Fleetwood's "Nasal Catarrh Specitiic," risk 
no other! For colds in the head, coughs, nasal catarrh, or in- 
cipient consumption, I'll stake my earthly possessions on this 
remedy against a drug store, and defy the head clerk to com- 
pound an equal ! Remember, gentlemen, sold under an abso- 
lute guarantee as a specific, and a hundred dollars reward offered 
for a case of incurable catarrh ! The gentleman right here takes 
the first bottle, and the next goes right here. Don't be modest, 
but come to the front ! Yes, sir, in a minute — it'll suit your case 
exactly, aud 't won't be any time before you'll come back to me 
aud crave the medicine ! Take the booties home to your families 
and be happy. Has everybody got a bottle? — Everybody has 
got one— keep the corks well in, and now, my friends, if you'll 



n > 

walk right over yonder to that circus tent, the big' black mon- 
key will amuse you for the rest of the time ! {exit crowd quickly) 

Aleck (to Sharp w.ho has been quietly watching Warsaw)i This 
way, sir; the doctor is goin' to the inn, and I'll get you the seat 
as 1 promised, in his buggy, {they go to the buggy, Sharp leaving. 
his, carpetbag belli ml) Doctor, you'll oblige me by givin' this gen- 
tleman a lift along the \v;iy. I promised Sandy to send him any 
guests 1 could, (exit) 

War. (let in. my friend, (does so, forgetting his carpetbag, 
Presently Lucy appears) 

Enter Lucy! 

Lucy. Why, good evening ! Such a charming walk I've had ! 

War. Ard such a delightful accident, Miss Lucy ! You must 
by all means drive back with me. 

Lucy. Oh, it will be charming. I accept. 

War. Permit me to assist you in. Are you a good driver? 

Lucy. Excellent! Do yon remember the drive we took in 
Louisville sometime ago? 

War. Perfectly ! (seeing Sharp) Ah !— My friend, isn't that 
your carpetbag out there? Why don't you jump out and get it ? 

Sharp. Mine? Where's the bag? — () yes! I'd forgot tlie 
thing, (he gets out and walks leisurely to the carpetbag) 

War (seizing the opportunity). Come up! St. Julien ! 

Sharp (turning about). Hey! stop there! Stop! (runs after 
the buggy) 

SCENE II— A deep forest road along the Ohio. 
On a tree is the following notice: 

NOTICE !! 

SviOO Reward for the arrest of the Incendiary, or Incendiaries, 
who destroyed my barn on the night of September 20th. 

DAVID BOSWELL, Owner. 

Enter Sharp, in hot pursuit. 
Sharp. Hold up there! — Devil a way to do ! (sees sonic one) 
Ha! who's that! 



21 

Bnteb Sly. 

Sly. Keep coo!, my friend, it's me! I'm alius on your track. 

Sharp. You needn't to be followin' me around. I'll give you 
half, man. 

Sly. That's what I want, you hear? — Now what's your plan? 

Sharp. I've got the promise of a job at the country circus 
that's just put up at the Fair Grounds, where I helped to pitch 
the tent, and so I'm goin' to sail under that name at the inn. 
Ilow'll that go? 

Sly. It may do, but care's the thing. You'll hud the peo- 
ple up there simple enough, barrin' that man Warsaw— Look out 
for him ! 

Sharp. Oh, I'll k-;ep my eye on him, be cert'n of that! I've 
go my plans fixed up tor him. 

Sly. And you can count on my bein' around there, too, to- 
night, you hear? 

Sharp. Well, you needn't to be peepin' around! I'm a-goiu' 
to that inn o' my own accord, and I reckon I can get along with- 
out you. (exit) 

Sly. I reckon you can, but you'll not ! (sees the notice) Two 
hundred dollars! So tbere's a reward out? (seriously) A reward! 
Ha! that's a dangerous sign [—dangerous ! Fool! he'd better 
keep out of this! Quick! and I may stop him ! (runs) Ha! 
too late! he's with somebody! He'll go there anyhow!- Fool ! 
I'm lost if he turns State's evidence at the inn ! (reflecting) I'll 
go ! I'll leave the country ! — But the money ! the money ! he'll 
get it!— oh, I'll have the money myself, or turn State's evidence 
at the inn ! Ha ! ha! ha ! (exit) 

SCENE III— The grounds ah/tut tin' Inn. — A wood-saw and a horse sup- 
porting a log of wood, an' some distance in front of the building. 

Enter Fred, running from the door to the saw, which he begins 
to use rigorously 

Enter Sandy, a minute after ward. 

Sandy (aside). Egad, I believe he's been kissing my daughter! 



I'm certain of it! (goes toward Fred, who hops over the horse for 
safety) 

Fred. A h, 'tis you, Sandy ! I couldn't imagine at first who 
it was walking behind me. 

Sandy. Yes, it's me, and how do you like sawing- wood? 

Fred. Oh, couldn't enjoy anything more this charming 
weather ! You see, we college fellows don't get the opportunity 
often. 

Sandy (slyly). Glad to hear it; I've always said I wouldn't 
let any man marry my daughter until he had the grit to saw 
three or four cords ot wood on the stretch — 

Fred. Wha: ! (aside) I betray myself! 

Sandy. Just to see what he is. — Now wait, you can't saw 
that way; it's upside down. 

Fred. Oho! it's a cranky tiling anyway. 

Sandy. There. — Now, when you've finished sawing up that 
splinter, just walk right around there to the stable, you'll find 
two or three cords — help yourself! 

Fred. Thanks — a splinter — four cords ! — well, isn't he an 
amusing monster? (here Grace creeps up behind him, a straw in 
her hand) Grace is a charming little c^zzrr^ to be sure, and 
i half way believe I'm in love with hep. (she tickles his ear and 
he slaps) But the strangest part of it is. that 1 should have 
exhibited the symptoms first! (slaps) Generally I get the ad- 
vantage (slaps) — Wonder if the old man's in earnest about those 
four cords? (slaps) Hope I won't have the nightmare over it to- 
night, (slaps vigorously) By Cato ! where is that fly? — oh, you 
charming creature! -Tickle me some more! 

Grave. Ha ! ha ! ha ! —what were you talking about ! 

Fred. Come, let me tell you, Grace. 

Grace (coming nearer). Well, tell me. 

Fred. Come closer, please. 

Grace. Well— 

Fred. Oh, that isn't close enough, Grace ! 

Grace. Now then — 



Fred. A little too far off yet ; I want to whisper, please. 

Grace. Oh-h-h ! 

Fred (putting his arm around her, and taking her hand in his). 
Now, put your ear very close— oh, you are looking ! (kisses her) 

Fred. Ifow Fred, what did you do that for !— I'm mad with 
you ! 

Sandy (inside). My daughter ! Daughter ! 
• Grace. Good-bye ! Tra la la ! tra la la ! {exit; Fred saws wood 
vigorously) 

Enter Lucy and Warsaw, in the buggy. 

War. Hallo! my young friend, where's the hostler? 

Fred. I'll take charge of the racer if you have no objection. 
I'll drive down to the fair. 

Lucy. Now don't let him run away with you, cousin Fred. 

Enter Jenkins, in a great rush, his vest half on and his coat over 

his arm. 

Jenk. Hey there! pst! pst! Stop that buggy ! (to Warsaw) 
My regards ! 

War {seizing him), What's the matter, Captain ? 

Jenk. A telegram, sir, from Louisville for a drove of fifty 
short horns and the balance in hogs ! (runs on, and suddenly 
confronts Sharp. They scan each other) My regards ! (exeunt 
Jenk, and Fred, in the buggy) 

Enter Grace, with a letter. 

Grace. Here is a letter for you, Miss Lucy. 

Lucy. A letter for me f — Away I go! (hastens to the door) 

War. But — clou't forget your promise. 

Lucy. Oh, never ! (exit) 

Grace (seeing Sharp). Dear me ! there is a stranger yonder ! 
Perhaps he wants board. 

War. I think he does ; go and see your father. Do me the 
kindness to leave this bag of mine just inside the door as you 
enter, will you f 

Grace. Certairly ! (exit with the valise) 



■1 1 

War (to Sharp). Well, my friend, I'm sorry you changed your 
mind and concluded not to go with. us. 

Sharp. Yes, so 'm 1; but I managed to get a lift along the 
load after all. That's my style o' doin' bigness! 

War. You're a man of energy then ? 

Sharp. We-11, 1 go by that name. 

War. And what is your particular style of business at present? 

Sharp. Well, I happen to be in the circus bisness just now.. 
We lay over everything in that line 

War. So I judge. 

Sharp. And I reckon I know somethin' about country circ'ses, 
too; we're goin" to make things bilin' hot around here in that 
line. 

War (dropping his handkerchief unawares). So I judge, (aside) 
He's peculiar, to say the least, (exit) 

Sharp (picking an the handkerchief). I'll make use ot this 
d're.'tly. "Twon't take me long to make Sandy believe the owner 
of it's a rascal. ( puts it into his pocket) 

Enter Sandy. 

Sand//. Is it board you want, sir? 

Sliar/i. Yes. I want the best room you have left. 

Sand//. You shall have it. sir. 

Sharp. I happen to be in the circus bisness just now. We've 
just pitched the biggest tent at the fair grounds 

Sandy. Aha I— -Let me pat //oar carpetbag just inside the door 
here {does so) 

Sharp. Thanks. Yes, we're just in from the up-country. 
Didn't make much money up there on account of the beastly 
rascals lnrkin' around. Why. just before we left, the treas'rer of 
the show was beat out o' fifty dollars by a scoundrel named — 
let me see— named Warsaw. 

Sandy. What! 

Sharp. Yes — that's his name, sells some sort o' medicine. 

Sand//. Death and the devil ! he's here ! in my inn ! 

Sharp. Ha! is that so ?— Well, I beg your pardou for— for — 



35 

Sandy. No, no ; egad, I've had my eye on hiui for some time ! — 
(aside) Wonder if he didn't work in league with that rascal the 
other night ? 

Sharp. Well, it's not as bad as I thought ; you'll know how to 
do now. Now I'm goiu' on back to the fair for a time, so you'll 
please fix that room of mine right off, won't you *? 

Sandy. To be sure, >'llgo this very minute ! (exit) 

Sharp (chuckling to himself) He's knocked off his guard al- 
ready ! (looks around cautiously and then goes stealthily to the inn 
door) Now's my chance to try that chest, and empty the till at 
the same time! Ill do it! (enters the inn; finds the chest closed. 
He empties the till, leaves Warsaw's handkerchief behind the 
counter by way of circumstantial evidence, and returns quickly with 
the money in his hand) Ten dollars from the tilL (shaking his 
head) The chest's no go! It'll have to come .open, and I'll make 
him do it, too, before night! (sees someone in the yard) Ha ! what 
devil's this in the yard ? 
Enter Kent, just returned — a valise and an umbrella in his hand 

Kent. Good day, my friend; may I enquire if Sandy's to be 
found at the inn ? 

Sharp (gruffly). No! goue out ! 

Kent I have a message I'd like to leave for him — his daugh- 
ter here? 

Sharp. No ! all gone out ! 

Kent (fumbling with a note). Well, I'd like very much to leave 
this note. It relates to — to — to some money ot mine, and I can't 
wait long. 

Sharp. Some money ? — (interested) Well what's your occupa- 
tion ? your bisness ? 

Kent. I'm kuown hereabouts as the circuit rider — 

Sharp. Ha ! circus-rider ? 

Kent. You puzzle me, sir. 

Sharp. Well, I'm in the same bisuess myself. 

Kent. Bless you, what's your name, brother ? 

Sharp (with a leer). Eh ? 



26 

Kent. Your name ? 

Sharp. Oh, iny name ? — it's Sharp. 

Kent. Brother Sharp ! receive my welcome ! (shakes his hand) 

/Sharp. Humph ! — this bangs the bush ! 

Kent. Does what, my brother ? 

Sharp. Bangs the bush. — But tell me what's that got to do 
with this money of yours ? 

Kent. Very true, very true ; I have been sorely vexed about 
money of late. I even dream about it : on one side are thieves 
and robbers, and on the other deception and fraud, so that it's 
hard to tell what's good or what's bad, or what money's sound, 
or wha:'s counterfeit. 

Sharp. You're right now. 

Kent. But really I forgot to ask you what denomination you 
like, or prefers. Any preference ? 

Sharp. Don't make much difference to me about the denomi- 
nations, legal tender's good enough for me. 

Kent (puzzled). Legal tender? 

Sharp. Say what you please about gold and silver, green- 
backs is the kind o' money to have in this country ! 

Kent. No, no, I don't meau that, I mean your denomination, 
your creed. 

Sharp. Say, look here, what are you talkin about ? what are 
you up to ? what's your name ? 

Kent. Oh, I didn't tell you that ! My name is Kent. 

Sharp. Kent!— ha! (extending his hand) Brother Kent! how 
are you? (they shake hands) O yes ! O yes!— Let me hand your 
note to Sandy ! 

Kent. Thank you! thank you! just deliver this note to San- 
dy, and also (searching his pockets) this key to his chest, which 
1 took the other night unawares. 

Sharp. A key ! — ha ! yes, I'll take it ! (Kent delivers both) Now 
don't let me keep you here, you're in a great hurry, I know ! 

Kent. I am, but — ah ! here is Sandy now ! So let me have 
the key! 



Sharp. The key !— oh— er- er — the key ? -you want to — er — 
oh, yes ! here it is ! {delivers it) 

Enter Sandy. 

Sandy. Ah, Parson, you have come for that yellow cloth. 
(Sharp listens eagerly) 

Kent Well, not that exactly. I have come rather to deliver 
the key I took from you, and also to ask you to keep the legacy 
during this week, as I find I have to leave town off and on for 
the next few days, (hands the key) 

Sandy. Very well, very well, it's safe in the chest. You may 
be assured, no mortal beiug shall have this (the key) for one 
second ! 

Kent. I believe you, Saudy, so good day to you all ! (exit) 

Sharp. Well, sir, I'm just back from the fair. Is the room 
ready ? ( Aleck appears in the yard) 

Sandy. It's in good order now, and I think you'll like it. — But 
here comes the constable. — This way, Aleck. 

Enter Aleck. 

Aleck. Good day to you all. (to Sharp) So you found the 
inn ? 

Sharp. Yes, had no trouble about it. (looking around) It's a 
fine place. 

Aleck. Firstrate ! — You'll find Saudy the best landlord in the 
State. And by tbe way, Sandy, I sent this stranger to your 
inn in preference to the other one. 

Sharp. Yes, he did recommend me to come here, seein' I was 
a stranger 

Sandy. Much obliged to you, Aleck ; I hope to repay you 
sometime, (to Sharp) Now, sir, would you like to see your 
room? 

Sharp. Yes, we"ll all go and see it. 

Aleck. No. excuse me ; I only dropped in to say a word to 
Sandy about you. I must be off to court, (exit) 

Sandy. Just follow me. (they enter; in passing behind the 



28 

counter, Sandy finds the handkerchief, and they return quickly to 
examine it in the light) Egad, what's this doing behind my 
counter ? 

Sharp. It looks like a handkerchief. 

Sandy. W onder whose it is ? 

Sharp. Ain't it got a name ?— Yes, there it is on the corner. 

Sandy. Let me see— War — saw — ha ! the devil ! (runs behind 
the counter and returns quickly) The scoundrel ! he's robbed my 
till! 

Sharp. What! — Get the constable then ! (rushes back into the 
yard — by way of pretence) 

Sandy. Stop there! — (aside) Aha ! I'll watch that man ! (points 
at Sharp) Egad, I'll watch them both! — But Aleck! — Aleck sent 
him here ! 1 11 wait then; I'll lay a trap for Warsaw and see! 
(Sharp returns) This way, sir; follow me. (exit) 

Sharp. It goes well. I'll have that chest open by night, and 
once my hand's on the money, I'll leave for Texas ! (exit) 

Enter Warsaw, in the background— walks forward briskly. At 
the same moment Grace appears, standing in the door. 

War (seeing her). Ah, Grace, will you please bring my car- 
petbag here ? You will find it jnst inside the door there. 
Grace. Certainly ! (goes to get it) 

War. I see Jenkins coming up the road with my buggy, and 
I find it necessary to return to the fair for a time. I understand, 
from a reliable source, that a certain party is out there selling a 
compound — spurious, of course — calculated to injure the reputa- 
tion of my firm. I'm going to meet him in the arena. (Grace 
puts the carpetbag at his feet) Ah, thanks ! Here is a pretty rose 
for you, Grace. 

Grace. Oh, thank you, sir ! 

War. Now don't let Fred know that I gave it to you ! 

Grace (surprised) Oh h h ! — hush ! — I will tell Miss Lacy, 
though ! (exit quickly) 



39 

War. Ha! I must be off! {seizes the carpetbag) Why, how is 
this? She has brought me Sharp's carpetbag! Sharp's? — 
Something peculiar about that fellow. Heavy, too ! (shakes it) 
Exceedingly heavy ! It must be full of solid gold ! Ah-h ! it 
has jolted open !— Ha! what does this mean — hay in a carpet- 
bag? (takes some out) Confound it! brickbats, too ! (takes some 
out) Aha! more rascality about, eh? 

Enter Jenkins, in the background. 

Jink. Pstlpst! this way, Warsaw, this way! T have Some- 
thing beautiful to show you. 

War. Well, what is it? 

Jenk. A magnificent Berkshire hog — -just brought him up. 

War. I'll come over presently. 

Jenk. Ob, I have him right here, right here in the stable — 
extraordinary object ! 

War. How in the name of sense did you get him up here? 

Jenk. Brought him up in the buggy y man. 

War. V\ hat ! 

Jenk. The finest specimen you ever saw ! 

War. A Berkshire hog in my buggy ? 

Jenk. Oh, you'll get over it, you'll get over it when you see 
him. > 

War. I hope I will ; but come here, Captain, I have some- 
thing much more wonderful to show you — Observe this hay — 
look at these brickbats 1— miraculous carpetbag ! What do you 
think of it? 

Jenk. The owner, siv, must be a scoundrel! That's clear 
enough ! 

War. A nd I suppose you are ready at any time to make it 
hot for him ? 

Jenk. I am, sir. But let us be perfectly quiet about it for 
the present, I'll go now and load iny revolver, (exit) 

War. And I'll continue the investigation — a brick — another 
brick — some hay — a stone — an old shoe — all empty ? — No, what 
is this?— A pocketbook ! Aha! I'll take charge of this myselt. 



SO 

( puts it into his pocket) Here's a mystery. However, these 
nntjgs must go back as they were, {while he is putting them back, 
Lucy appears in the yard, with a letter in her hand, and regards 
him with much astonishment) Let me see- just inside the door 
here, (replaces it, and turns around) Ah ! quite a delightful sur- 
prise, to be sure ! 

Lucy, Well, what in the world were you doing? (drops the 
letter) 

War. 1 ? Oh, nothing, nothing a*, all ! 

Lucy Yes, but I insist, you were very busy with somebody's 
carpetbag, and I want to know, too. 

War. Just like a girl ! wants to know everything, and you 
shall. I was — you see — engaged then, Lucy— engaged in — well, 
in examining some geological specimens, about which J will tell 
you presently, (picks up the letter) So you have heard from 
somebody t 

Lucy. Oh, yes, a most charming letter — (aside) from home ! 

War (suspicious). A charming letter! girls are always receiv- 
ing charming letters \- (aside) I half suspect her. (reads it) 

Lucy. Oh ! but you must not read it ! 

War. Why ? Do you object ? 

Lucy. Well, you had better not. So indelicate, you know. 

War (aside). I have it!— (gives her the letter coolly) Here is 
your letter, Lucy! (walks off) 

Lucy. Well, what now ? You are not jealous I hope ? — Read 
it then ! Here, William ; — here it is— Oh, William ! please take 
,t! Now, it is more than you would do. (gives it) 

War. You only think so, Lucy, (glances over the letter) 

Lucy. Now are you satisfied ? You wouldn't permit anyone 
to look at your letters and correspondence, would you ? 

War. I ? Lucy, you may have them all if you want ! — any- 
thing — everything — all I've got ! 

Lucy. You will ? Honor bright ? 

War. Lucy, you may have my bauk book if you want ! 



31 

Lucy. Very well, sir, I will pat you to the test, tt isn't in 
the nature of a uiau to show a wife his correspondence. 

War. How ignorant you are of men ! Women still cling to 
that notion. 

Lucy. Now come he.e. What letter is this I see in your 
pocket here ? {takes it out herself) 

War. That is from an old friend of mine, a former clerk in a 
big dry goods house. Afterward he became a runner — he's 
a runner still. 

Lucy. Indeed ! where is he ? 

War. Rusticating in France. He wants to know if it is time 
to come home yet. 

Lucy. And what is this, pray? {takes out a travelling flask) 

War. That? oh, that— don't take the stopper out, Lucy, it's 
nothing but medicine — cures snake bites. 

Lucy. Medicine? — How often are you snake bitten ? 

War. It's chronic with me ! 

Lucy Indeed! how you must suffer! — Well, here is another 
letter. 

War. No, that is a poem of mine, called "Springtime,'' 
written, I believe, on the first of April, and submitted to the 
South American Review. The editor didn't like it, but I'll read 
it to you after awhile. 

Lucy. Very well, I shall be sure to remind you of it. I'm 
very fond of nonsense ! 

War. Thank youl — (aside) Singular taste for a girl, (puts it 
away) 

Lucy. And here is— (aside) a purse ! Strange ! it is the purse 
that was lost !— Oh, William ! William! you have been false ! 

War. False ! — Oh, no! it cannot be ! 

Lucy. Am I wrong !— My purse!— No ! you are false ! What 
proves your treachery but this ? 

War. I care not for the purse ! There's no treachery in me ! 



32 
ACT III. 

SCENE -.—The Inn Parlor. Time: Night of the same day. 

Enter Jenkins, with a pistol in his hand. 

Jenk. Well, I believe I am ready.— Ah ! not here. This is 
Warsaw exactly ; wheu you waut him, you cau't find him. ( puts 
his hand to his ear) I hear him coming now. No, it is our land- 
lord ! I must be cautious, (puts the pistol away) 

Enter Sandy, talking aloud to himself. 

Sandy. No! no! it won't do! Ieau'c have it! — Plague me ! I 
am vexed to death. — This marriage won't do ! 

Jenk. What marriage? 

Sandy (sutprised). Ah ! — I- er — I meant my daughter's mar- 
riage to tbis young man. 

Jenk. And why not, friend Sandy ? I understand that Fred 
is quite well off in the world — 

Sandy. Well off? — (aside) I didn't know that. 

Jenk. If I am not mistaken, he is an only son, and has money 
as well as lands — 

Sandy. Ha ! is that so, Captain ? 

Jenk. I vouch for the statement, sir. 

Sandy (aside). I've been too hasty the. 1 . 

Jenk. Besides, sir, it would be pleasant to arrange two mar- 
riages on the same day, wouldn't it ? 

Sandy. Two? You are not thinking of marrying, Captain? 

Jenk. Oh, no! oh, no! lam sufficiently married already ! — 
I was referring to our friend Warsaw, who has resolved to move 
to the city with his bride, and -it my solicitation, accept a half 
interest in the journal which 1 have established there. But re- 
ally I must see him at once, (exit) 

Sandy. Aha ! what now ? what now ? -Egad ! I'll watch this 
man Sharp ! Though there's no reason for it, still I'll do it, spite 
of Aleck. 'Gad I have it ! I'll lay a trap for both, and make 
sure to catch the guilty one ! Ha! ha! ha! — Meantime (searches 
his pockets) this money of Kent's (takes it out as Sharp appears 



33 

at the door) is safer, perhaps, in some deeper pocket of ray coat. 
— Plague the chest ! I'd tather trust myself to-night. Now Fll 
go and fix that — ah ! (sees Sharp entering) walk iu ! (smiles) 

Sharp (in a lotc voice). Come, we'll carry out that scheme. 

Sandy. I am ready, (slyly) Are you willing to join me now? 

Sharp. Oh, down with the rascal! down with him! But hold 
a minnit ; here's a couple o' dollers o' mine, put 'em in the till 
with yours, just to make it a little more temptin'. 

Sandy (surprised; aside) Egad, I'll do it !— Thanks ; I'll be 
buck in a trice, (exit) 

Sharp. Ha! there's somethin* evil iu his look! I'll watch 
him closely now. That money's on him: I know it! And if 
Phil Sly's at his post directly, we'll make short work of him ! 

Re-enter Sandy. 

Sandy. I have it fixed for him now. 

Sharp. So then we'd better take a walk in the yard, or the 
lane, just to give him a chance at it. 
Sandy. Very well, we'll do so. (exeunt) 

Enter Fred, hurriedly. 

Fred. What, nobody here ! I begin to suspect something. 
Ah ! I hear somebody in the next room, (exit) 

Reenter Sandy, suddenly, much excited, folio wed by Sharp. 

Sandy. Ha ! who was that ? (grasps a light and looks out) A 
robber, I'll warrant ! 

sharp. A robber 1 I saw nobody. 

Sandy, it is gone ! — No, Fll not walk to-night. Some ruffian's 
on the watch ! 

Sharp. Some ruffian? Oh, no ! you're mistaken — Let's see. 
(grasps his arm) 

Sandy (bluntly). No ! I'll not go, I say ! —not a step ! 

Sharp. Stay then ! (slyly) Maybe it was the man you're tryiu 
to eaten ! 

Sandy. Ha ! I'll go and see !— (aside) Dog me, I wish Parson 
Kent would keep his own money ! (exit) 



34 

Sharp. Damned lack! Piiil was too quick, and the man saw 
him ! But we'll have that money yet / (exit) 
Enter Grace, tiptoe 

Grace. I wonder what all this mystery is about"? Strange! 
Father is sullen ard silent ; Mr. Jenkins is loading a pistol-^1 
saw him !— and Miss Lucy and Mr. Warsaw are talking, talking, 
talking, all to themselves ! And poor Fred, too— dear me, I shal 
die of curiosity! (a noise) What was that? (goes to the door) It 
is Miss Lncy and Mi. Warsaw, I do believe ! Oh, now is my 
chance to find out! Quick! where shall I hide? — This closet — 
just the place — splendid idea! (enters) 

Enter Fred, tiptoe. 

Fred. Well ! this is a queer state of affairs — everybody gone 
to talking secrets ! Why, cousin Lucy won't let me come near 
her at all — always sending me off on some errand. I can't even 
get a ihinute's interview with Sandy ; and the consequence is, I 
don't know anything about anybody. (d~ noise) What was that? 
(goes to the door) It is cousin Lucy and her confidant coming 
here ! — Happy idea ! I will conceal myself and listen ! Where 
shall I hide? [rushes around the room) Ha! a closet! (rushes into 
the closet ; Grace screams and they rush out) 

Grace. ()li-ii ! Fred! 

Fred. Oh-h ! (trace ! — sorry I came out now. 

Grace. Now what did you do that for, Fred? 

Fred. I — I— I was hiding from cousin Lucy — 

Grace. Oh, wfcll then, let us hide ! (Fred enters the closet, and 
Grace reflects a moment) This sofa ! (goes behind it) 

Enter Lucy and Warsaw, in search of some one. 

Lucy. They are not here. Does h.; suspect you ? 

War (putting his hand to his ear). Hush ! I hear their voices ! 
If I am not mistaken, these men are incendiaries" — 

Lucy. Incendiaries ? 

War. It would seem so. We shall see, however, when Aleck 
comes ; we have some clue at least. 



35 

Lucy. And Sandy? 

War. Will discover how tightly his eyes have been shut. 
But come, I can't imagine where Jenkins is. {exeunt) 
Enter Grace and Fred, tiptoe. 

Grace. Gracious me, Fred ! 

Fred. Incendiaries ! 

Grace. Give the alarm I 

Fred Sh ! not now ! 

Grace. I am fainting, Fred — 

Fred. Let me kiss you then ! 

Grace. No-o !— to-morrow ! (exeunt). 

(Here the door is pushed half open, and Sly appears about to 
enter, but suddenly withdraws, as Jenkins enters at another door.) 
Enter Jenkins, covered with cobwebs. 

Jenk. Useless! useless! Perfectly useless! I'll just sit 
down here and wait till Warsaw comes ! Here I've been groping 
around these premises in the darkness all for nothing ! Finally 
1 fell into the wine-cellar, among the bottles and barrels, and 
came near spending the night down there, (the door opens) Ah, 
here he is now. 

Enter Warsaw. 

War. Well, Captain, where in the world have you been ? 

Jenk. Been in the cellar.— Brush these cobwebs off my back, 
will yon ? 

War. I'll do so. —I understand, Captain, that you have noti- 
fied your paper about the business arrangement we have entered 
into. 

Jenk. I have, sir ; everything has been attended to.— But to 
the point ; when do you intend to seize this rascal ? 

War. We shall experiment with his corpse as soon as pos- 
sible. 

Jenl: Aha ! — And what process do you suggest for his cap- 
ture ? 

War. I would suggest, sir, the ''instantaneous process !" 

Jenk. Very good ; now then let us go and find Aleck, the 



30 

constable; he has come at last— nearly an hour behind his 
promise ! Every door, sir, must be watched. By the way, 
Warsaw, I have some money of Sandy's which I took from his 
till just now for safety. I'd better take charge of it for the 
present. 

War. Excellent idea, Captain ! That scoundrel Sharp might 
have stolen it. Now let us see Aleek at once, (eveitnt). 

Enter Sharp, with a bewildered countenance. 
Sharp. Si ng'Ier thing! That money's all gone— not a doller 
in the till! There's somethin' wrong, sure ! Ah, here's Sandy. 
Well, what luck? 

Enter Sandy, reflecting. 

Sandy. lie's here in the house. — (suddenly) Was ever such 
rascality in a man's house? Why it equals Boswell's over- 
seer, sir — 

Sharp (astonished). How's that? 

Sandy. I'll tell you. About six years ago, old Boswel 1 , whose 
barn was burned the other night, had an overseer named Phil 
Sly, the grandest scoundrel in the country ! Well, sir, Boswell 
was constantly missiu' some of his fine cattle, and couldn't 
account for it in any way. No-v what do you think was going 
on all the time ? 

Sharp What? 

Sandy. Why, darn me, that rascally overseer of his was sellin' 
the cattle secretly, and pocketin' the money at the same time ! 

Sharp. Ha ! ha ! ha !— and he got loose ? 

Sandy. You're wrong there ! Boswell had him sent to Frank- 
fort tor three years, hard labor ! 

Sharp. Aha! hard labor!— (suddenly) But the money, my 
friend, the money, is it gone ? 

Sandy (eyeing him intently). Gone? I'll wager anything the 
till has been emptied long ago. What think you ? 

Sharp. Go ahead and see for yourself. 

Sandy. Wait here awhile, (goes off to one side) aside) If that 



money's gone, I'll settle the question about him in a trice! (points 
at Sharp; exit) 

Enter Sly, quickly. 

Sly. Out with that money, my friend ! You hear ? 

Sharp. Ha ! You needn't be watchin' me ! 1*11 give you 
half, man. 

Sly. You're a dead man if you don't ! 

Sharp. Who says so ? 

Sly. I ! That money's mine ! 

Sharp. Come! leave this room ! {Sly stands immovable) Don't 
you hear those footst-ps? (Sly goes to the door quickly) Stop! 
Hide in that closet there, and wait till I call you ! Be quick, 

man ! 
Sly. This game's about even, but you can t get ahead of me, 

Billy ! (enters the closet) 

Re-enter Sandy, in a passion. 

Sandy. Gone ! not a dollar left ! 
Sharp. Ha a ! I said so ! What now ! 

Sandy (grasping his arm) Come! I'll show you, and quickly 
too ! Follow me, sir! (drags him along forcibly) 
Sharp. Follow you ? What for ? 
Sandy. To denounce this man to his face, and send him from 

these doors! 

Sharp (recoiling). Ha! not now! oh, no! you can't do that ! 

Sandy (furious). O, psh - w! you're a thief and a coward, sir ! 

Sharp. Fool! (springs upon Him) Help here! (enter Sly; a 
struggle ensues, and Sandy is hurled against the ivall and falls 
senseless upon the floor. The money secured, the men rush for the 
door, which instantly flies open.) 

War (with a pistol). Drop that money! (aery of disappoint- 
ment from the men; they rush to another door) 

Jeiik (with a pistol) Back ! you ruffians ! {Aleck and Fred rush 
in with pistols, and the men, seeing the constable, drop the money) 

Sharp. State's evi— (fellrd by Sly) 



88 



8ly. That man set the house afire ! You can't escape ! 
Aleck. Ha ! Phil Sly as I live ! 
Enter Sheriff, Posse, and Kent just returned from Ms day's 
journey. At the same time Lucy and Grace appear at another 
door. 
War. The Sheriff! the Sheriff! 



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